St. Stephen's Beach twice visited

Today, there is so much in the world that the realization of a full self has become both possible and also so much harder.

***

Already I’ve begun to think of Boston in moments, like the peaceful bike ride from the South End to Allston / Brookline. It’s been just two weeks this break I’ve been back, and though I know I’ve felt unfulfilled during so much of my time there, now all that’s coming to me about it is tinted rose.

The unfulfill-ment wasn’t negative but indifferent to me, like I was an atom floating through a vacuum of “official” and “established” paths (and which might have been for others, certainly), an unrealized, immature self not knowing what I was doing there and not being able to articulate what was driving me through my own life.

My brain was awake but I wasn’t thinking about the things that mattered to me, like my brain was on loan.

D. had said to me: You’ve been saying you’ve felt like you’ve been in the wrong place for a while…

***

At home it was a dopaminergic brain, obsessed with creating content to the point of being unable to eat a meal without wanting to film it.

Now, with “A,” I’m wondering whether I should keep the account, which I worked hard on, or if i should decommission and / or deactivate it, wipe it from existence. This question arises from the capitalistic orientation toward hoarding.

***

When I was in Boston, I always looked at certain buildings and saw in them Hong Kong. The sight of any concrete or brick or window at all made me feel both entirely close to home and also entirely removed from it, almost exotically. (As someone who sees it only once or twice a year would.) Now I’ve been back for two weeks it’s shocking how quickly that feeling has gone. Will I feel the same too about Boston, when I’m back to wrap my time there? I feel like someone who, painfully dehydrated, immediately forgets the feeling after quenching his thirst.